British English Insults (That Aren’t Really Rude)

If you’ve spent any time in the UK, you’ll know we have a talent for coming up with creative ways to insult people, without actually being mean. It’s one of the quirks of British humour: we can call someone a fool and still sound like we’re being affectionate. These are the kinds of words we might use with friends, family, or even pets… but never in a serious meeting or with a stranger in the supermarket.

Today I’m sharing a few of my favourite British English insults. They’re all safe to use if you get the tone right. Think smiling eyes, light voice, and a sense of fun.

1. Plonker

This one’s a classic. I first heard plonker in the much-loved British TV sitcom Only Fools and Horses. In the show, the character Del Boy often calls his brother Rodney ‘a right plonker’ when he’s done something silly.

A plonker is someone who’s acted foolishly or made a daft mistake.

Example:

• You forgot your keys again? You plonker!

It’s affectionate, a bit cheeky, and very British.

2. Muppet

Yes, this comes from the famous puppet characters created by Jim Henson. Calling someone a muppet suggests they’re being a bit incompetent or clueless, but in a light-hearted way.

Example:

• You’ve sent the email to the wrong person? Oh, you muppet!

Politicians here have been called muppets more than once.

3. Doughnut

This one always makes me smile. In British English, calling someone a doughnut is just another way of saying idiot, but in a friendly, almost affectionate way.

We often add ‘absolute’ for emphasis: You absolute doughnut!

4. Numpty

A personal favourite. Numpty comes from Scotland, but it’s used all over the UK now. It means someone who’s been a bit daft, usually in a harmless way.

I often use it about myself if I’ve done something silly.

Example:

• I left my coffee on the roof of the car and drove off. What a numpty!

5. Twit

Twit is one of those words that’s fun to say. It’s a gentle way of calling someone silly, and it’s been around for years. Children’s author Roald Dahl even wrote a book called The Twits, which is a great (and very funny) read.

Example:

• Don’t be such a twit — it’s this way, not that way.

Tone and Context Matter

The secret to using these words well is tone. With the wrong delivery, they can sound rude. With the right delivery — warm voice, friendly expression — they’re simply part of playful banter.And remember: these are for people you know well. Use them with friends, family, and colleagues you’re close to… not strangers or in formal situations.

If you’d like to practise using playful British English expressions like these, along with lots of other everyday vocabulary, you can book a conversation class with me. We’ll work on pronunciation, tone, and using them in the right context so you sound confident and authentic.